Growing Up Amish

Do you have any contact with you family now?  Yes, my family and I do keep in contact with my parents and most of my siblings.  We try to visit about twice a year since we do live about 300 miles from my parents house.  We do have non-Amish friends that live 4 miles from my parents so we stay at their home overnight and then visit my folks for about one to two hours.  When we keep the visits short it seems that we spend more time talking about family and extended family that I don’t get to see very often anymore if at all.  When only staying a short time it give my parents less time to talk about how bad this lifestyle is for me…..I don’t care for those conversations, which took place all the time right after I had left.

How did you feel when you were excommunicated?  Excommunication was not new to me when I left and I actually welcomed it at first and that was because I wanted to be as far away from my family as I could for fear they would convince me to come back when I really did not want to.  I knew it would be enforced and that would never change because it is what they believe they have to do to have a slim chance of getting to Heaven.  Excommunication can have slight differences among communities or even families so it really depends on who you are dealing with as to how strict they will hold this against you.  For example, my cousins in a more modernized community have welcomed me in and not imposed the Shunning on me at all when I visited but the more conservative communities would not go there.  Then others will use the Shunning to push control issue on you as much as possible…..like not allow an excommunicated member in to a funeral of a immediate family member.  I truly believe this is only a power trip and since you are on their property they can enforce it.  This has not happened to me ever, but it has to others that I have known about.  Really sad, but remember the Amish are also human beings with shortcomings.

Now that you are living in Modern America and you can see how children grow up in this lifestyle, do you think you missed out on any thing growing up in Amish society?  In some sense I would say no that growing up Amish is pretty cool and why do we have to be exposed to all that my children are today.  But on the other hand, yes I did miss out.  The Amish live very simple and less hectic lives but in my experience they are missing the human connection that my children enjoy today.  My parents never said good night, we are proud of you, and I love you only once in a while.  Our lives were all about listening to my parents and making sure we did not do something against the rules of the church.  I actually grew up not knowing that I was loved.  Since I did not receive reassurance of self as a young child I started telling myself how awful I was and consequently became an adult who had not respect of love for self.  I learned how to love and respect self after I was 20 years old.  Social setting were very awkward for me which was another shortfall of my Amish community.  The people in my home community were very accepting of gossip and quite frankly putting each other down.  Being disrespectful was the only way I knew to survive the harsh words I experienced.

Are you the only member of your family that was excommunicated?  No I do have other siblings that have also left.  Out of the 10 children, 6 are no longer Amish.  That percentage is very high and normally not that many do leave.  My oldest brother left 8 years before I did.  I was the first female to leave from our family and also the first female to leave that community for many years.  I was very aware of that when I finally made my decision to go, after 3 years of pure turmoil, not knowing what to do.  I knew my family would receive flak because I left and that is what kept me there as long as I did.  Eight years after I left my baby sister also left and then two years later two brothers and their families left and finally five years later another sister and her family left.  It is rather sad for my parents to have so many of their children leave but I think we were all searching for a better spiritual understanding of our existence as a reason for leaving.

What do you miss most about the Amish lifestyle?  There certainly are aspects of the Amish life that I miss.  For example, big family gatherings, spending time with my sisters, a slower pace of daily life, less bills to pay, the expectation of helping each other when in need without being compensated, and everyone looking out for the next person all the time.  Obviously getting into other peoples business can go too far also, which it did in my community.

What was the worst thing about the Amish lifestyle for you?  I would say it was living with depression from the time (I believe) I was 3 years old on.  Not know what was wrong with me and having nobody to go to.  If I tried to talk to my mother of how I was feeling inside she would tell me that she wants me to be happy but if only I listened better those feelings would go away.  They did not recognize that I need help and I truly believed I was a bad person and would never be able to walk a line straight enough to be accepted as I saw others.

What do you children think about your childhood?  My children are pretty young yet, age 9 and 5, so they have not asked too many questions yet, although my 9 year old is starting to.  However, they do think it is pretty cool to have a mommy that grew up Amish.  I have heard my son brag about it to his friends and I am sure more questions will be asked as they get older.  I want them to know and understand the culture I grew up in so I try to be as open about all aspects of it as I can.  They love to go visit Grandpa & Grandma on the farm and I will teach them the Pa Dutch language that we spoke at home.

Do the Amish believe in arranged Marriages?  No the Amish do not believe in arranged marriages.  The only restrictions that they enforce is that you marry a person that also grew up Amish or has joined the Amish church.  I dated a guy from a community about 100 miles from where we live via sending letters weekly and visiting a couple of times a year.  Dating from outside your community is accepted and encouraged and they don’t like it when cousins get married but it does happen sometimes.  The Amish are aware there could be problems from close relatives having children.

What would happen if an Amish girl got pregnant before marriage?  Well I guess not too much because it does happen all the time.  My sister had her fist baby before she was married.  When she revealed that she was pregnant the church excommunicated her for two week (I believe) and then she went in front of the church to ask for forgiveness of her sins and then she was accepted back in as a good standing member.  When baby was born she lived with my parents until she moved to another community where she then met her current husband and eventually got married.  Even though pre-marital sex happens all the time it is considered a black mark on the person that gets caught either by pregnancy or caught in the act by a parent.  The same people that once did the same thing are now telling others they are in sin for doing the same thing…..I had a real problem with that type of authority and control.

Could you describe to me an average day in the life of a young Amish girl?  At a very young age I was doing dishes three times a day and my other chores were to pack and unpack lunch buckets 5 days a week, setting the table, cleaning floors, baking and cooking, doing laundry, and caring from my younger siblings.  During the school year we got out of bed about 6 am to make sure chores, breakfast, lunches packed and dishes were done by 8:30 am when it was time to walk to school.  After school I would clean lunch buckets, carry wood to the house, refill gas lanterns, set the table, and help prepare supper to eat by 6:30 or 7:00 pm and then do dishes after supper before bedtime at 9:00 pm.  During the summer I had a little more free time some days but we also had to mow lawn, keep the garden weeded, help with the laundry once a week and help prepare foods for canning.  There certainly were times enjoyed playing but for the most part we were all expected to help with whatever needed to be done starting at 6 years old.